The Chronicles of Carrot Man
by MadnessinmyMethod
Summary: Pein is a carrot, I swear. Crack fic told from Konan's perspective. T for a lot of things. Chapter Three In Which Kakuzu Is Feeling... Strange...
1. A Prologue Rich In Beta Carotene

**Author's Note: You have been forwarned that this is crack. Anyone attempting to find plot, theme, and/or reason will be sadly disappointed, and most likely their brains will implode. That said, this story of incredibly short crack pieces is based off of lunch room conversations with my friends who like Naruto and my friend Carolyn's doodles. I dedicate this to Carolyn, who created Carrot-Pein in the first place. Enjoy. **

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_**The Chronicles of Carrot Man**_

_**By MadnessinmyMethod**_

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_**A Prologue Rich in Beta Carotene…**_

My name is Konan. I like paper. Scratch that. I love it. Have you ever smelled fresh sheets of paper? Good quality stuff. Run your fingers over the smoothness and just thought, "Wow." I have.

I also have a rather interesting life beyond my paper obsession—it happens. I'm in love with a carrot man who I'm pretty sure is certifiably insane. But I love him, so, you know, it all works out in the end. You've probably heard of my veggie man. He's rather famous. Like I said, he's crazy, so his does stuff from time to time like blow up villages and sacrifice virgins underneath a full moon. His name is Nagato, though most people call him Pein.

And he's a vegetable. No, not the kind that sits on the couch, watching television, eating anything but what they're named after. He looks like a carrot, I swear. See I started taking up drawing a little awhile ago. I have… more of an abstract style, I guess… I don't know terms. Very sketchy, straight lines. So I was drawing my lovely carrot man, since I'm obsessed with him as much as I am with paper and then… oh god, who was it again… Deidara, I think, came over to make fun of my attempts at art.

Apparently he only thinks sculptures count—they're hideous by the way.

Anyway, while Deidara was harassing me, I noticed that my sketch of Nagato looked like a carrot. A real live carrot. Carrots are alive right? I'm not a big plant person, so I should probably ask Zetsu, but he usually gets offended that I cut down trees to make my own paper—I'm a nerd; I warned you!

And you know what's funny is Nagato is actually quite fond of carrots. I don't get it, but say about fifty percent of his meals are carrots. Don't ask me how he lives off of that… actually that probably explains his slim figure…. Maybe I should start eating carrots.

They do say that carrots are good for your eyes… epiphany! Now I understand why Nagato eats all those carrots! For his eyes!

Well, anyway, my name is Konan as I said before. Welcome to Ataksuki. If you need anything just call.


	2. In Which Zetsu Sells Sea Shells

**Author's Note: Sorry if anyone was waiting forever for this (not that I expect anyone was). This is just a little side project to maintain my sanity, so I'm not expecting much out of it. Anyway, if you happen to like it good for you. This one (as well as most of the other future chapters) is based on the psychotic lunch room conversation that can only occur when you gather a bunch of Narutards in one place. So this chapter is dedicated to my lunch buddies. You guys make life interesting. **

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Chapter One In Which Zetsu Sells Sea Shells By the Sea Shore

Konan here! Now, I know Akatsuki seems like a dark scary place filled with badass dudes that are mostly focused on beating people up… I blame Nagato. But really, I've been making a lot of effort to brighten things up. Like last week I got everyone together for a beach party. I know it sounds lame, but I fucking love the beach so deal with it.

Besides, you've never seen how much water freaks out Itachi. Hilarious.

But actually, the best part of our impromptu beach trip—I say impromptu because while I was planning it for ages, I sprung it on the guys last minute—was the joke Zetsu played on Deidara.

You see no one knows this about Zetsu but his whole Venus Fly Trap get up is actually removable. Meaning he's sorta like a hermit crab that can come out of his shell. Well, Deidara definitely did not know this.

And Deidara has been pissed off, I mean really pissed off, for quite awhile now that Zetsu pawned Tobi off onto him after Sasori, may he rest in peace, died. And Zetsu has been avoiding Deidara forever because whenever they run into each other Deidara gives Zetsu a rather large and noisy piece of his mind—not to mention Deidara's mind is rather dirty and perverted, but not as much as Hidan's.

'Lo and behold, Deidara thinks he's gotten yet another chance to bitch at Zetsu about Tobi on the beach trip since Tobi is rather preoccupied by the snack bar. He couldn't decide which ice cream he wanted, the Tweety Bird with gumball eyes or the Ninja Turtle. Both are quite nasty I assure you and in case you were wondering he got the Ninja Turtle.

But back to the important part of the story. Deidara is winding up to bitch at Zetsu again because he sees old Venus Fly Trap laying out on the beach. I think he was especially pissed because he forgot to bring sunscreen and had a nasty burn developing on the side of his face that isn't covered up by an emo bang.

He starts yelling and causing a disturbance to the point where I'm pretty sure the lifeguard was going to kick us out of the beach—hehe who needs a lifeguard when we've got shark-man Kisame?

But, no, here's where it gets good. Zetsu usually goes swimming without his Venus shell since it's rather heavy, I guess. So he comes back from his swim (and might I add that he's quite ripped? I had no clue!) and sees Deidara yelling at his empty shell.

So Zetsu taps him on the shoulder and says, "Is it the voices in your head again? Tell them suicide is not the answer."

Deidara was speechless. All four of his mouths were hanging open.

So yeah, we do fun here at Akatsuki. Sure you'll have to commit murder and probably arson and a host of other felonies, but we do fun that isn't of the homicidal variety. I'm thinking we should go to the movies next. What do you think?


	3. In Which There Is Much Love Of Cats

**Author's Note: So it's been awhile, I think. I'm having issues keeping track of time these days, but anyway. There is actually some artwork associated with this chapter done by my Narutard lunch buddy Carolyn, who I bounce ideas off of. Rubbery, yeah... Okay. So the link to that will be up in my profile ASAP and I encourage you to check out lots of Carolyn's art because she's awesome. (And bother her to put up more because she's got other awesome stuff hiding in her sketch book, I've seen it!!!). Anyway, I haven't written anything new for this in awhile this is just old saved chapters. So if you guys have requests, ideas, stuff you want to see then you know what to do. So without further ado, enjoy, Chapter Two. **

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**_Chapter Two In Which There Is Much Love Of Cats, Fuck Yeah!_**

Konan, the paper girl, at your service! Yeah, I'm back again to address a certain rumor… okay I'm here to gossip, since pretty much everyone's not at the hideout today and I'm bored as hell.

Okay, so bet you had no idea about this, but the leader, Nagato, completely and utterly allergic to cats. If he gets within a hundred meters of a cat he will break out into hives… actually it's really quite disturbing and annoying since I'm usually the one that has to administer medical care and trust me, world domination-obsessed carrot men make the worst patients.

So cat allergies, not fun. But rules created by cat allergies, hilarious.

I give you Exhibit A, a certain foul-mouth immortal who in addition to being quite fond of baking also has a soft spot for the furry felines that cause Nagato the carrot man's eyes to water and skin to break out in an unpleasant rash (and in general the man just gets really pissy as if it's my fault!).

I'm sure you've figured out which toilet-tongue I'm referring to. Hidan. The man with the worst tastes in hair styles… ever. Seriously, you think Itachi would stop being such a prick and help the poor guy out—because Itachi has some seriously sexy locks… um don't tell Nagato.

Anyway, Hidan has a feline obsession, but due to Nagato's allergy issues, cats are banned from the hideout. So if you hear an argument in the hallway and it's not sweet Deidara's dulcet tones (not to mention there's a prolific amount of swearing and cussin'—there should be an award for that, seriously), then it's probably Hidan complaining about how we should get a cat and name it Bobo.

Suffice to say Hidan never wins that argument and it usually results in him getting his ass kicked seven ways to Sunday.

So I didn't know this was going on until, say, last week or so, but apparently Hidan's been sneaking off to some sort of cat enthusiast, support group for cat lovers who cannot have cats because the people they are doomed to live with are allergic and are totally bitchy about it… club-thingy?

Right, so. I found out because Hidan goes to this… club-thingy… without fail every Tuesday night. Unfortunately last Tuesday Hidan made the mistake of pissing off Deidara, which got him blown up and Kukazu was exceptionally assholish that day, so even though Hidan had gotten both his legs blown off, he refused to reattach them.

Well, everyone quickly ran off to go do other stuff when Hidan started complaining and I didn't get moving fast enough. One thing led to another (wow, that sounds kinky) and I ended up bringing Hidan's torso to the… club-thingy… in a wheelbarrow because I'm a nice person.

It was… creepy. There was this guy—and I only call him a guy because he sounded like a guy, even though he had long hair and totally looked like a flat-chested woman—who apparently lived with his uncle… Hiashi or something… who's a crazy control freak and is allergic to cats. Not even as bad as Nagato either

Yeah, see I made the mistake of trying to stick up for Nagato's rules when Hidan started complaining and they told me to "Take your damn science and get out of here, you witch!"

Well, now at this point, Hidan is really angry because he's not allowed back in his… club-thingy… and he blames me.

To that I only have one response: FUCK YOU, HIDAN!


	4. In Which Kakuzu Is Feeling Strange

**Author's Note: It's been quite awhile, since I've updated, but at last there's another little bit of this absurdity for you. This chapter is dedicated to my friend Carolyn, who not only made fanart for the last chapter (link to which you may find in my profile if you scroll down a bit) but also demanded I write a chapter for this story in which Kakuzu says... well you'll see. Anyway, enjoy and remember, this is crack. And crack is most definitely whack.**

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_**Chapter Three In Which Kakuzu Is Feeling… Strange…** _

Gossiping… I know it's a terrible habit. A vice really. One might even call it a sin. My name is Konan, and you know what I have to say about all that? Fuck it. 'Cause I've got stuff to tell you.

Like about Kakuzu and what he's really been collecting money for. You may have noticed that Kakuzu will talk about money… a lot. I believe Hidan got so angry that he shoved a shoe down Kakuzu's throat one time when the crazy bastard was going on and on about the stock market. It was in the middle of dinner. I wasn't too pleased. And now that I think about it, neither was Nagato.

Ah… good times.

So anyway, Kakuzu, money, big deal for the guy if you hadn't noticed. Now most of the time Kakuzu says he's collecting money to fund Akatsuki, but let me tell you that is a downright lie.

Because if he was collecting money for Akatsuki he would be giving it to me since I cover all the administrative aspects of the organization. Handy being a paper girl! I see probably about ten percent _at most_ of the money that Kakuzu collects when he goes out.

The rest goes under his mattress. I know. I've checked. He keeps it all stored in a sock (a very big sock). Probably the lamest hiding place ever and I wouldn't be surprised if Tobi and Kisame are sneaking in and skimming off the top of his stash.

Now, one might wonder why exactly is Kakuzu hoarding all this money like a mythical dragon or something of that nature (I read books, okay!).

Well, I happened to get a little clue when I stumbled upon the man—haha—in a rather awkward situation. He was wearing a dress. A blonde wig. Make up (and not the tasteful kind either). High heels (even I can't handle those things). And well, the list goes on, but I think you've gotten the general idea.

He was also singing. In a falsetto. It was actually quite good. I wonder why he hasn't tried to make any money off of that talent.

Kakuzu noticed that I had spotted him and he sort of had a nervous breakdown. Something along the lines of screaming, "I have too much money and I want boobies!" and running away into the sunset.

Anyway, I actually need your help. See after that incident, Kakuzu decided to run away, taking his hoard of cash with him. You see, he's off to get a sex change and it's a misuse of Akatsuki funds. Really when you want to make a large expenditure of this sort, you need to approach the board of directors (meaning Nagato) and ask for permission (meaning get down on your knees and beg like a dog). So if you see Kakuzu—because I think he may not have actually left the hideout yet—could you maybe get him to calm down?

You see, I think he's worried that if we find him we'll try to stop him. I think he thinks were intolerant jerks who don't understand the plight of a woman trapped in man's body (did anyone ever notice how kinky that sounds?). We love Kakuzu. We just want him to be honest with us. 'Kay, thanks!


End file.
